I wrote this letter back in 2003 to family and friends. My dad found a copy of it today when he was sorting out his papers, and gave it to me. I read it over and over again. It is still so poignant, nine years later today.
Here it is:
Dear All, Dearest to My Heart,
A year ago, today, I underwent surgery to remove the suspicious "mucocele" on my appendix. It turned out to be cancer, growing insidiously inside of me. The scary thing is that it didn't hurt, and was concealed safely in a location that is seldom noticed. If Thomas hadn't found it (Thank God he did! I must have some done something good, or am destined to do something good in this lifetime) it would have eventually burst through my appendix and planted its seeds all over my abdomen. The more I learn about mucinous adenocarcinoma of the appendix, the more grateful I am for my extraordinary luck.
Before the operation (elective appendectomy) on April 30 I was really worried, even though everyone told me that there wasn't much to worry about, and that the cyst was most likely benign. There are only 0.12 cases of appendix cancer per 1,000,000 people per year! But I had a gut feeling that something was not right. I remember the look in Thomas's eyes when I came out of anesthesia. A few days later the pathology report came back positive for cancer. I cried and slept and cried and slept for a week, and summoned my mom back to Taipei from Helsinki. We went through a grueling period of time trying to figure out what to do. Most of the biopsies indicated that the cancer hadn't invaded beyond the mucosa (meaning that it hadn't spread beyond the appendix), but one biopsy indicated that it had invaded the muscle layer, and that would make it a stage II rather than stage I cancer. If it were stage I cancer, the appendectomy would have been enough. If not, further surgery was warranted. We decided to undergo a right hemicolectomy (removal of large and small intestines adjacent to the appendix). Thomas even wanted me to undergo a total hysterectomy (I even fantasized a bit about becoming a wise old crone prematurely). Strangely enough, though I was freaked out by the first operation, I was not too worried about the second follow-up surgery. If I had trusted my gut instinct, I would have said no to the second operation. But I couldn't risk it--I had Anne and Ming to think about. I had to do everything possible to make sure that there would be no "what if" issues later. I remember watching Sex in the City with Thomas (instead of writing out my will) the night before the big day.
Fortunately, I woke up from anesthesia with one ovary intact.This means that I still have menopause to look forward to. The first few days after surgery is still too painful to recall, with the nasal gastric tube and all the other tubes hanging out here and there. But the day the pathologist came to my room to tell me in person that NO CANCER HAD BEEN FOUND in all the 47 lymph nodes and tissue samples still ranks as one of the happiest days in my life (along with the day that Thomas proposed and the days that Anne and Ming were born).
Today, a year later, I have a gut feeling that I am going to be okay. Physically I feel that I am in good shape, and will be in better shape as time goes on if I carry on with my exercises and healthy eating habits. Psychologically, I have some issues to sort out, but I think I am getting there, with all my reading, thinking and journalling. Most of the time, I just feel grateful for each day that I have to enjoy my life, my family, and my friends.
I remind myself to count my blessings every day. I am so blessed, especially by your presences in my life.
I just want you all to know that.
Love,
Michelle
April 30, 2003
then
now
